Diary of a Mad Old Man

I recently finished a book I greatly enjoyed and admired, Diary of a Mad Old Man by Junichiro Tanizaki, the Howard Hibbett translation. It's the first book I've read by Tanizaki. I purchased The Key concurrently and will read that and probably more by him.

Most of the book is informal diary entries of an old man, Utsugi, who has very shitty health, knows he is near death, and is only enlivened by his lust for his daughter-in-law, Satsuko. 

Utsugi is desperate for any kind of erotic interaction with Satsuko and she exploits this, milking him for expensive gifts in return for little favors like the chance to kiss her feet, neck, and other parts of her body. Any time this happens his blood pressure goes up, threatening his health. 

The book was hilarious and enjoyable to me. I often love things written in someone's speaking voice, and I especially love when the tone is informal and somehow shows the speaker's personality. It draws me to the character and also makes me think about living and speaking--how one does things, how one views things, and how one talks about it.

There was something funny and engaging to me about the bleakness of the narrator's life and how matter-of-fact he is about his physical deterioration, his coming death, and his pervy lust for Satsuko. By the end of the book I felt moved as well, as his death and the sadness of his situation started to feel more somber to me, less of a joke. 

The shortness and immediacy of the diary entries made it easy to read and created narrative energy, I felt. 

Here are some parts I liked:

"Since I have no particular reason to keep on living, sometimes I think I would be happier if a woman like Oden turned up to kill me. Rather than endure the pain of these half-dead arms and legs of mine, maybe I could get it over and at the same time see how it feels to be brutally murdered."

"August 13

Again today, at around 3 p.m., I had my little erotic thriller. But today my eyes didn't become red. My blood pressure seems normal too. A slight disappointment. Something is lacking unless my eyes get bloodshot and my blood pressure goes over 200."

"I wouldn't mind being injured if that would bring Satsuko pleasure, and a mortal injury would be all the better. Yet to think of being trampled to death, not by her but by her dog..."

"If my tears the other had suggested madness, what of today's? This time they were quite unexpected. I have Satsuko's taste for shocking people, and I think crying is shameful for a man; yet in fact I am easily moved to tears--they come at the merest trifle. That is something I have always tried to conceal. Ever since I was young I have enjoyed playing the villain; I am constantly saying spiteful things to my wife, for instance, but as soon as she begins sniffling I lose my nerve. And so I have done my best to keep her from knowing my weakness. In other words, even though I am sentimental and given to tears--as virtuous as that may sound--my true nature is perverse and cold-hearted in the extreme. That is the kind of man I am; and still when an innocent child suddenly shows me such affection I can't keep my glasses dry."

If you're feeling spiritless

If you're feeling spiritless, let me tell you, this blog post right here, when you get done reading it, I really think if you read it through, it won't make you feel any better.

Spiritless

Part of Speech:	adjective
Definition:	depressed
Synonyms:	apathetic, blah*, blue*, broken, cast down, dejected, despondent, disconsolate, dispirited, dopey, down, down in the dumps, down in the mouth, downcast, downhearted, draggy, drippy, droopy, dull, enervated, flat tire, flat*,inanimate,  indifferent, lackadaisical, lackluster,languid,  languishing, languorous, lifeless, limp,listless, low,  melancholic, melancholy, mopy,slothful, subdued,  submissive, tame, torpid,unconcerned, unenthusiastic,  unmoved, zero*
Antonyms:	energetic, happy, lively, spirited, uplifted

I feel better when I do things.

I've been writing things for a novel. So far it feels like throat-clearing, prologue stuff.


Things I wrote that probably won't actually be in the novel:

This novel could be described as "like The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, but no stroke." And the protagonist is just some twenty-five-year-old shithead.  

                              "Marco."

The little boy with the special-edition DVD with director's commentary. The little boy with favorite sections of the Sunday New York Times. 

My last day at the nonprofit we went bowling. It was fun enough, I guess, in a bleak, shitty sort of way.



Houellebecq
I'm almost finished reading The Possibility of an Island by Michel Houellebecq. It conveys a very depressing worldview, just like all of his books.

"I have told you already I do not give a single fuck."

I'm intrigued by his prose style, how he does paragraphs; there are a lot of semicolons, but sometimes he uses commas instead, he creates run-ons. His writing feels liberated, free, but purposeful.

There was a small, maybe 2-paragraph section on a page that recounts the narrator finding his dog dead in a snowbank or something following the suicide of his lover (this dog had been the one nice thing in his life following the suicide), and it was such a great piece of writing all on its own, that one little section; I read it  again, but slowly.

Next I'm going to read The Key and Diary of a Mad Old Man by Junichiro Tanizaki. Henry Miller was into Tanizaki, he mentions him in this sweet footage of him in a bathrobe explaining all the stuff on the walls of his bathroom in Big Sur.


Looking at Artists' Lives on Wikipedia
Oscar Wilde was editor of The Woman's World magazine for a while--I read about it here--it was fairly progressive/highbrow--he had an office and an assistant editor--he'd come and go as he pleased--he wrote The Picture of Dorian Gray and several famous essays during that time, composed when he'd leave his office to go out to a cafe.

"Swaggie, lol..."

I love Marcel Duchamp's final artwork, Étant donnés. His life is interesting to me, Duchamp. "The illuminating gas."

Just typed up a paragraph entitled "My life story" and deleted it. 

Just got asked to be interviewed in a kitchen for a new web TV show. 

A thing by me is in the next Shabby Doll House. It's called "Fantasy."

I'm in the process of conducting interviews with Heiko Julién and with Richard Chiem.

I think it'd be fun if we got a big ridiculous comment section going somewhere, like on a Melissa Broder HTMLGIANT post or something. Or not.

Rachel and I watched this documentary called The Bridge about people jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. Was kind of depressing but not as depressing as I anticipated. People jump off the Golden Gate Bridge a lot, it is the #1 suicide spot, I believe. Most people die instantly on impact.

v fucked up: an interview with omar de col

me: Omar, why are u doing videos of you smoking? who do u think u are a role model for children

omar: tbh i don't even believe in smoking

me: 2pac said he;s not a role model bc "a role is something you play and a model is something you make, and i'm not fake."

as u can see, that rhymes

omar: if children speak english they won't understand french, so that can be interesting if u are able to understand portugese

or something

me: this is going well

i feel like u just said something deep and i didnt get it

what the fuck are u on about omar

omar: wel if u look at the history of the thing

then it's true

me: lol

omar: just look at the facts

me: when i examine the record, it becomes clear

omar: no no

me: lol

omar: the record is for playing music

i am talking about historical documents

u feel me

me: yea...i "feel u," omar

omar: lie

between

good and evil

is 'and'

u feel me?

me: trying to think of an abusive nonsequitur

omar: ok

exactly

so if u flip it

then it becomes a completely different things

for example

yesterday i was walking on the road

to talk to the locals

and u know what they always say?

they talk about jobs dissapearing

and frankly

i can understand their point

me: Do you care about like "literary culture" or would you rather just look at cute girls' facebooks/twitters?

this is a dumb and obvious q i just realized

omar: for me

it can be an interesting debate

for example

is there a culture

what is a cute girl

these are questions that are also debatable

so it can take a v long time

for example

do u believe in culture stephen

me: no

Hey Omar

what's your favorite Blink song

omar: ok that is very interesting to some people

maybe not me

me: this is a great performance so far bravo

whats your favorite blink song

omar: blink 182?

me: yea

omar: oh ok

me: was just thinking: this interview will just make all the girls like u more

nothing else will be accomplished

ur so selfish

omar: the one where they talk about the small things

me: shitty choice

omar: well ok

that is your opinion

me: lol

omar: and i will defend to the death your right to have it

me: who cut your hair

recently

didja self-cut

omar: thank you

me: lol

omar: i wanted to talk about this 

me: lol

omar: u mentioned it in the pre-interview

i went to this barber

who is chinese

and she calls me 'handsome boy'

which is something i like

because

very interesting sidebar

she is very good

at making me feel comfortable

me: ever listen to handsome boy modeling school

are they...are they somehow the same band...

omar: because she doesn't speak english

me: as...we are scientists...

somehow...

omar: i'm not sure what you're talking about

me: english makes u nervous?

omar: but i'm glad u are listening to different kinds of music

me: what should a girl do if she has u over

or a boy

omar: to answer your first question

english doesn't make me nervous

to answer your second question

i would need you to go into more detail

me: how have u met girls

didja ever meet a girl at camp

on a bus

in a garage

in a field

in a meadow

ata pub

omar: mostly the girls meet me

i think

me: rest stop

is that so

omar: yes

it depends where i am

in that situation

me: wherever u are, there they meet u

omar: no no

now u are twisting my word

frankly

when a girl meets me

or i meet a girl, as u put it

it is by chance

for example

i once knew a girl

because she hung around with my flat mate

and i stayed in my room

while they drank in the common area

to seem mysterious

and also

because i was shy

at some point

i went to sit with them

and we made eye contact

then as she was leaving i asked for her email

and spoke to her on msn

me: you DO seem mysterious

omar: messenger

well

idk about that

as you can see

i have a twitter, tumblr and used to have facebook

and am available on gchat

https://twitter.com/holiecrap

http://avantgardebagpipesolos.tumblr.com/

kellyhuckabyyy@gmail.com

can u see those

me: what would it take for u to go back on facebook for good

as it were

omar: well

to be honest

since u asked the question

i am going to answer it

me: exciting

omar: i have secretly been activating fb

mostly to view pix of girls

however

someone said to me yesterday

after i mentioned that i deactivated fb

that i will be back on it within a week

so i feel if i turn it on again

'for good'

i will seem like a lil bitch

and i care what ppl think

it is one of my flaws

what can i say though, i am human

we all have our flaws

u feel me?

me: i wonder sometimes...if u think abt the feelings of others..

i do wonder that...

omar: well

that is an interesting point

v metaphysical

have u read the philosophy?

me: no i havent read it

have u seen "a dangerous method"

omar: no

me: me neither

cool

omar: i would rather stay on topic

me: it looked good tho

omar: hold on

lets finish what u started

me: can one tho remain on topic

omar: u haven't deactivated fb

am i right in saying that?

me: you have said so

omar: ok

so i will assume that is true

since u wont give me a straight answer

do u consider the feelings of ppl who want u to deactivate fb?

me: lol

me: When are u coming to amerika

omar: awp '13

me: cool

u heard it here first

omar: oh

ha ha

me: u can meet elaine

thank god

omar: are we breaking the 4th wall now

me: it's broke

omar: ok

me: can u take some sexie fotos to accompany this interview

seeing as i cant peruse ur fbook pix

cause ur a selfish prick

omar: do you remember when i made my point about u not deactivating fb?

me: just go in photobooth for a while

what else should i deactivate

omar: i don't have photobooth

i'll take a pic i guess

me: thank you

omar: lol

are we still in the interview

me: yes

omar: ok

is there anything else u would like me to talk about?

me: idk like

probably my initial thots are dispensable now

something abt literature

omar: ok

well lately i have been reading lydia davis

well

i read the first story

me: whaddya think of her

omar: then i fell asleep in the sun

me: perfect

omar: but i liked the first one

me: u ever read salinger

omar: no

i don't have time for him

me: "just before the war with the eskimos"

he doesnt have time for u

omar: yes

he's dead

me: no hes not

omar: yes he is

me: n-o

omar: it was in the news

me: anyway what else u up to

his body's decomposed yea

omar: i am in the process of completing some stories

me: cool

omar: and writing some peoms

for a ebook or chapbook or something else

me: cool

omar: called 'idk, idc'

me: will u finally appear in a lit mag

not that it matters

or will u release in collections exclusively

omar: i don't have any interest really in being in a lit mag

apart from pop serial

me: atta boy

omar: LOL

me: i feel u

at last

i feel u

omar: lol

fuck

me: i dont even use linked in

why do ppl keep trying to add me

what are they gonna get a job or something

whens the last time u had a gf

omar: i always worry i am missing opportunities on that

by not accepting friend req

me: lets get down to what can only be described as brass tacks

omar: last time i had a gf

me: who was ur last gf

omar: was

in 2008 maybe

me: who was she

howd u meet

omar: very interesting question

me: yes

omar: we met in my flat

at uni

me: what was the occasion

omar: i think she was just hanging out with my flat mates

and i would stay in my room

me: to be mysterious

omar: yes

by mysterious though

i mean

mysterious to me

me: antisocial

omar: well

not really

asocial maybe

me: so ur trying to bedevil yourself with ur own mysterious ways

omar: no

i just dont understand myself

me: o

yes yea

omar: u feel me

me: yea

omar: v fucked up

me: its alright omar

so howd u meet then

girlfriend

she came into ur room

or did u emerge

omar: i emerged at some point

me: yes

omar: to cook bacon

our kitchen and common room were attached

like

one big room

and then because they were there

me: full of bacon bitches

omar: and i had finished cooking the bacon

i felt peer pressured

into sitting with them

so i did that

me: did u offer her a slice

omar: no

it was in a sandwich

me: o i see

omar: i made eye contact with her at some point

didn't talk to her

maybe said a few things during the conversation to be involved

me: describe the eye contact

omar: like

me: was it furtive or...lingering

omar: i had the sandwich in my mouth

biting down

and like

me: lol

omar: looking around

and our eyes met

then i looked away

because i felt scared

me: =)

omar: later when she was leaving

i think i said i'd walk her back to her flat

me: just off the eye contact

omar: and then i asked her for her email at her door when saying good night

me: nice

her email

haha

sounds nice

is there anything else u'd like to add, omar

omar: no