My Writing

Monday, May 16, 2011

With us in the studio today, the London Bach Choir. Now, the latest on Omar De Col:

Omar De Col has been spotted at Dunster Beach. Reports are coming in he is wearing extremely tight, hot pink swim trunks. Sources claim he is “double-fisting” and appears to be “completely arseholed.” Eyewitnesses have noted increased staggering in his locomotion and increased levels of speech slurring and eye gleamage. Omar De Col’s increased eye-gleam quotient has caused him to seem even more charming than usual, the most charmingest amount of charm ever contained in a living male or female, an international record says the Daily Mail. Three rotund semi-nude ex-priests sunbathing on an adjacent towel have collectively unhinged their mandibles.

It appears Omar De Col has dropped something. The sun is very bright, potentially blinding. We’re certain he has dropped something, but what exactly it is, we can’t yet confirm. More news forthcoming.

We can now report it is an iPhone 3GS. Omar De Col is flailing around looking forward it in a manner reminiscent of Snuffleupagus with his long trunk.

Sources now tell us Omar De Col has regained possession of his iPhone 3GS, which was dropped. He appears to be grinning uncontrollably. He is now sauntering down the beach in defiance of his diminished locomotive skills.

Omar De Col appears to have halted and appears to be conferring with an elderly gentleman. The elderly gentleman is wearing grey slacks and rather ragged-looking shoes. He is also shirtless and appears to be quite inebriated as well.

We have dispatched our junior reporter Lacy Maxwell to the scene, and she is now reporting live via satellite.

“Hi, James Farnon. Yes, Omar De Col has attempted to engage the drunk, shirtless, homeless (we can now confirm homeless) elderly gentleman in conversation.”

What did he say to the man?

“Omar De Col said, ‘What time is it, mate?’”

And what did the man say?

“He said, simply, ‘Dead.’”

I see. And what did Omar De Col say back?

"He flopped to the ground. It was rather surprising. Flopped right over. Then he rolled in the sand a bit, popped back up and started singing a song.”

What song was it?

“I hadn’t heard it before, but it sounded very familiar.”

I see.

“Then Omar De Col started spinning around slowly, prancing a bit and spinning slowly and saying these words. He said, ‘What you have to do is just think really hard. So hard that your eyes squint and your brow is furrowed. About one little part of sunlight.’”

I see.

“Yes. Then he appeared to pass out. And now he’s sat over there under an umbrella having a smoke.”

Well. Thank you for your reportage, Lacy Maxwell. Looking forward to having you in the back of the studio. Now once again, the London Bach Choir.

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